We can’t stand it. There’s too much “what the…???” out there. Too many “what is the point of this?” items designed for firearms. We cracked. We made a list of the top 10 most ridiculous gun accessories we could find.

10. The Gun Bottle Opener

You may be thinking something like this, which has some respectable attributes. Get all ‘Merica with your gun-loving drinking buddies. No actual firearms involved. We can support that.

What we’re actually talking a literal bottle opener you can attach to your frickin’ gun.

It “doubles as a sling mount,” offering some sensibility to the absolute insanity, but we still can’t get over its original purpose. We’re praying people are popping soda bottles, but let’s be real. Anyone possessing this item is planning a backwoods drinking game that involves steel targets and a high potential death rate.

This lovely accessory is often mounted dangerously close to the muzzle, asking for a case of “Paul get your face down in this thing ‘n’ open my beer for me.” Yikes.

Alcohol and firearms don’t go together.

Ever.

9. The Chainsaw Bayonet?

Are you a tactical lumberjack? Do you ever get annoyed by pesky woodland trees? We have the product for you! Behold! The chainsaw bayonet.

This 5 pound, 8 ounce, $800 accessory ensures you can remove any tree, anytime. Or, you know, you could go buy any other chainsaw on the market for half the price or less. If you need the Zombie, extra care should be taken to leave the chainsaw off while under fire.

8. The MagKnife

Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction. That rule applies to every situation, hence the word always. Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction — when loading, unloading, transporting, firing, under recoil, and every other circumstance ever. But what if there’s something nearly as dangerous perpendicular to your muzzle?

 

Don’t lose your grip, that’s what. Don’t lose your grip, ever. A slip with this special accessory could land you in the hospital… with an incision from a firearm. And, uh, always keep the muzzle… and the baseplate… pointed in a safe direction?

7. Mule Stock

Is your gun just not gun enough? Put more gun in your gun!

 

This (horribly bulky) buttstock is large enough to accommodate a pistol. You know, since there’s currently  no way to effectively and legally conceal a gun. When your 5.56 runs dry, pop open that buttstock and fire away some pistol rounds. Your gun will be the most gun gun at the range. Guaranteed.

6. Pistol Bayonet

Magazine baseplate knives aren’t enough. Let’s make pistols stabbier. Because if guns need anything, it’s more stab.

 

Admittedly, this is an improvement from a blade facing the shooter. But we’re not really sure how this is better than a standard knife which most shooters carry on the daily. Perhaps you’ve fired all your bullets in a critical pistol match and you’re starving for a knife on your Glock 19 when suddenly…

Wait… let’s back up. How’d you holster your Glock with 5.75 inches of muzzlestab? We think you could cut a slice in your kydex for accommodation. Just don’t ever, ever bend over. Especially in an appendix holster. Unless you’re hoping to slice an artery the size of your thumb. Maybe this blade should come with a tourniquet.

5. Axe Attachment for shotgun

Yet another blade. Yet another attempt to make a firearm more firearm-y. How do you take a tiger and make it more tiger-y? Put another tiger on it!

Axes are cool. We respect your ability to harvest your own firewood. We don’t respect, however, haphazardly swinging a shotgun to retrieve some tree fuel. All guns are loaded.

We’re also positive no shotgun model will withstand the repetitious beating required to chop through wood. We’re also positive no shotgun manufacturer will hop on your warranty after you’ve been using your gun as a clubbing device.

4. Gopro gun mount

This is great in theory — prepare to capture some stellar footage of you and your buddies rocking the range… as long as you’re not shooting. Recoil from any firearm would render your movie more intolerable than Blair Witch Project.

 

Not to mention the only thing you can film is your target, which is hopefully steel or a piece of paper. Please, god, don’t point the muzzle at anything you’re not willing to destroy. Even if there’s a camera attached to it.

Plus, we’re not confident that cameras are very resilient to muzzle blast. Again, we hope you don’t plan to holster this bitch.

3. Tire deflator attachment

More stabbing, more knives, and more stabbing. Bayonets must have just not made the cut for many, many product designers.

 

This product claims you can still fire with the tire deflator attached. We might get one just to try it out. With blanks, definitely with blanks. And a ballistics vest.

Although, after reading PalmMuted’s Amazon review, maybe not.

Dude’s got a point, though.

2. Fancy Paintball

Do us a favor and look at this photo for a second.

Now, ponder its use and make your best guess. A way to denote your firearm unloaded? A fancy silver paintball? Guess again.

This particular product is designed and manufactured to make the first round non-lethal. Go ahead, read that again. This product is designed to make the first round non-lethal. This single-use pistol accessory has a price tag of… we don’t know. We scoured the entire internet and can’t find its MSRP.

Look, we’re all for self-defense and protection. A person can choose a bean bag gun, knife, taser, well-trained dog, concealed firearm, or myriad of other protection devices. It’s entirely up to each individual. If your choice of defense is non-lethal, great. But there’s something innately wrong with claiming a bullet non-deadly. We hope this product has a comprehensive warranty.

Reason number 2 (oh we’re not done) is gun rule number 2. Never point a gun at something you’re not willing to destroy. Regardless of any accessory. Regardless of any company’s claims. That silver ball seems problematic just by the looks of it. How are you supposed to holster this thing? Drawing your weapon is something that happens in a life or death situation — are you prepared to sacrifice a single precious second unwedging a giant marble?

And that orange tip? It’s horrifically misleading. While the company claims the first round isn’t deadly, it’s still attached to a totally live, totally deadly firearm. Toy firearm regulations state

“…federal law and regulations indicate that all toy guns transported or imported into the country must have a 6mm-wide blaze orange tip or a blaze orange stripe 1-inch (2.54 centimeters) thick on both sides of the barrel.”

Orange-tipped guns are classified as toy guns in the United States. Some jurisdictions don’t render live firearms illegal when painted orange. But most totally do. Regardless of what any law says, firearms with orange tips are considered by society to be safe. As in not real. As in fake. As in not live bullets.

Don’t put anything orange on the end of your real firearm. Just don’t do it.

1. Gunsticles

There is no practical use for this product. For any previous item, we can at least attempt to concoct some bass-ackwards explanation of how it would could potentially be useful in some invented scenario.

Gunsticles? You are the worst thing. As if the blue-ball truck-hitch fad wasn’t bad enough, you can now buy a pair of rubber nuts and slap ‘em on any firearm you own. Lose all your good friends while gaining a bunch of friends you never wanted. Life is now your miserable, miserable bitch.